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09:56pm 21/09/2004
mood: annoyed
This past weekend was good/interesting.
Friday consisted of me rushing around and then hanging out with Ren and Matt. We took Matt out to eat for his birthday. That was fun. I wanted that great potatoe soup at outback hah. but yeah..then we came back here and hung out for a while. fun time.
Saturday I worked and then my aunt picked me up from there. We went to my second cousin Lisa's house for her 50th b-day. I've never really met her before..because of certain situations but it was nice to meet her...she seems like a nice woman..and she's interesting. Her family is nice also. It was a lil arkward at first cause we didn't know anyone really..but at the end it got better. Then I got home before 10..got ready and went out..had an ok time..it was interesting.
and Sunday I worked and then I went out with some ppl from work. It was fun.

Last night..I thought a lot about something really important to me. I had to make a decision that would either benefit me or hurt me in the end ..i guess you can say. I had to do what I thought was best for ME. I talked to a friend about it and then I talked to my mom..and now I think I know what I'm going to do. I just wish everything was easier but it's not. This past year I've really seen how hard the real world is..and how tedious it is..and how you really have to learn how to be looking straight foward..and I think I'm learning more and more...what it is to be an adult. Pretty scary. Me and Natalia were talking about how we're gonna be 20 me in about a month..her a lil more. Now that's scary lol.

Tonight at work...BITCH CENTRAL that's all I'll say..yeah. that's the end of me working fucking nights. Girls need to "stop hating" yea..petty shit..that I don't have time for.

Oh before I end this masterpiece let me just put in a quote from my mother today.

"no no we're feeding everybody now..this is a community feed." (my mom to 2 of my cats)

community feed? lol..oh boy
gotta love her huh.

I'm ending this with a quote from a song..that I really like

"but beauty comes to those who have been waiting
for something that is bigger than themselves"
     Read 2 - Post
05:53pm 15/09/2004
mood: contemplative
I did this last night...but I didn't get a chance to post it

TEN Things You Did This Summer
01 worked
02 went to Wildwood for a weekend with my sisters
03 went on vacation to Wildwood for a week (with family and friends of fam)
04 went down the shore (to Belmar) a few times (once with Natalia ..another with Natalia and Pam)
05 saw movies
06 Hung out with ppl
07 became closer to my younger sister....which is really nice..we really understand eachother. I love her.
08 Went to court again...for a car accident down the shore. So went to wildwood for a day..with fam.
09 went to Edgewater and hung out there a lot..with Pam..and Nat
10 grew up a little more.

NINE Favorite Bands of the Summer
01 Maria Mena
02 Maroon 5
03 3 doors down
04 switchfoot
05 Garden State soundtrack (not a band but listened to it lots..it's great)
06 sugarcult
07 Incubus
08 yeah yeah yeahs

EIGHT Places You Ate At This Summer
01 Bayside pizza a few times (in Wildwood)
02 diners (elmwood park, triboro, and some crap diner down the shore..)
03 pizza place in Belmar (forget name)
04 Curleys fries on the boardwalk.. yum..
05 tcby
06 Blimpie's
07 wendys
08 taco bell

SEVEN Things that Annoyed You This Summer
01 working so much and being tired
02 not enough time
03 family problems/ arguing
04 boys of course
05 vacation ending and going back to work
06 getting into an accident down the shore and having court again
07 making money just to pay things off..not being able to do much

SIX Things You Bought This Summer
01 some clothes
02 cds (i think 3)
03 food
04 beach passes
05 beach stuff
06 souvenirs

FIVE Things You Accomplished This Summer
01 gaining a lil more responsibility and becoming more responsible
02 lost some weight
03 got closer w- sister
04 realized I shouldnt worry too much..and just to have fun..and try to be happy
05 became a little more comfortable with myself...gaining confidence..slowly oh yeah and tried new food! and new things (I'm starting that too)

FOUR Movies You Saw This Summer
01 The Notebook (twice)
02 The Exorcist
03 Spider Man 2
04 Garden State

THREE Things You Wish You Did
01 went to nyc!!
02 write more or maybe even read
03 wish i had more time to go places and do things

TWO Rules You Broke
02 i break all the rules.. i'm too cool (I think I'll take this answer from ren)

ONE Thing You LOVED About This Summer
01 I had good times... things I won't forget..and it was just all around a good summer...it was one of growing and things changing and there bad things that happened too but i learned things...and benefited and gained from some of those bad things.

     Read 1 - Post
11:37pm 10/09/2004
mood: okay
I'm deciding to write in here a lil more, with school and all I guess I have more to talk about.

This week went pretty fast..which is a good thing. I hope the semester goes just as fast.

Anyway...I did not make it to my Media Writing class this morning. I woke up and didn't feel to well...and then I went and took a shower and while I was in the shower I felt sick..and my neck started to stiff up and my ears started to like ring kind of..and I knew what was gonna happen cause it's happened before. So I got out of the shower and I called my mom but while I was calling her I fainted. At a certain point after feeling dizzy and such you don't remember the fainting part. but I was not out too long. So her and my dad did not want me to go drive to school. So I just like went to bed...I did not feel well at all. I sent my professor an e-mail before work..but she has not responded yet. but yeah..I hope I'm ok and stuff. Last time I went to the doctor he said I was fine but he never gave me back my blood test results. I had such a bad headache all day afterwards. My mom told me I hit my head twice, once on the wall and then on the tile floor of the bathroom. I figured that's why I had a headache.

Anyway..On a lighter note..
I took a few days off of work for this weekend. Well I took Sunday off and Monday. Tomorrow after work I'm going to Rutgers with Pam and Natalia...and I'm gonna stay there till either Sunday night or Monday afternoonish. Maybe I'll come home Sunday night and just relax on Monday..I'll see.
but yeah I need a few days off. I'm excited.

School....I still have not got my financial aide package back yet..so in return no loans either..and so I cannot buy books yet and I will miss work if I don't get them really soon. So Monday I'm taking myself to the financial aide office with the papers for the friggen 10nth time...and telling them I NEED my state money. NOW.

Wednesday I hung out with Ren and Matt...and we encountered wild beasts that ruined our meal at wendys. Actually it was funny as hell. About 50 (and now these were hicks ren) yeah 50 of those came in..and were loud and crazy..and the girls had fans hanging from their heads. OMG crazy. Then we found the comment cards..to write about how your experience was at the wendys. Omg we had a great time with that. Matt put his in the box..I kept mine. I wrote " On Sept 8th 2004, I whitnessed a hoard of animals come barging in this eatery. As a result I almost choked on my plastic lettuce and fishy chicken. Loud OBNOXIOUS people with fans from their heads..and just a mess."
I wanted to write soo much more but there was no space left at all...
yeah..anyway that was fun.

hmm that's it really. Tonight after work I went to the mall with my mom. I got a shirt and umm an unmentionable in H&M.. love that store..it's cheap hah. I almost got a cheap pair of sneakers that were on sale for 20 bucks in Bakers. They were cute, but I was indecisive about the whole thing. Plus they were closing and I did not want to rush..I knew when I got home I wouldnt want them anymore..I always do that. But yeah I really really need sneakers. Then we left and I treated her to TCBY. TCBY is so good. I got white chocolate moose soft serve frozen yogart..it's soo good..yep..really good.

thats about it..
ok I'm gonna get going.
10:28am 03/09/2004
mood: contemplative
My schedule for the fall semester:


11:00am-12:15pm Modern Drama (Eng211)
3:30pm- 4:45pm French 2(FR111)

4:15pm- 6:50pm Racism/Sexism in the U.S. (WS150)

(same as Tuesdays)

8am-10:45am Media Writing (Comm 210)

-I had this class today and usually with a class that is more than 2hrs they give you a break. She decided to go straight through 2 hrs and let us out at 10am. I'm pretty happy about that. I think it's better that way.

Yea so like I said I had media writing today, and I think I'm going to enjoy it. It's interesting...learning about the media and how it's a lot different in America than in other countries. We discussed different things. I learned a few things too..pretty good for the first day of class. The number one selling newspaper in the United States is the Equirer. Sad huh? We talked about how America feeds off gossip and it sells..and how we'll talk more about puff daddy's newest problem as opposed to the aids academic in africa. My professor was going on about how America always focuses in on local news more than international. She said if you go to another country and put on the news, the first thing they take care of is international news. We were discussing ethics and biased writings,etc. She also told us that NY times was one of the most liberal papers in the u.s.
The media has the power to ruin lives. She told us about this one incident where a newspaper had a headline that was unethical about a man who was made to look like he slept with his daughter. The headline read: "I slept with my daughter" It was a quote being cut in a deliberate place just so it sounds racey and catches one's attention. and then if one were to go on and read to the middle they'd read the rest of it that said "I slept with my daughter that night because she asked me to because she was having bad dreams" somthing to that nature. She said usually ppl do not go all the way to the middle...that they read the headline and the first paragraph.
Something like that ruined his whole life...he lost his job, he was interregated, all this stuff.
I dunno all this is pretty interesting to me. Of course we all love our tabloid mags and stuff...but it would be refreshing to read truth for once and to read more and to be informed more about other parts of the world and more important things.
She also told us...the day of monica lewinsky's red dress being found...it was the FIRST and foremost thing covered on the news that night. And while this was happening an earthquake in (i forget what country) killed over 300 ppl. but that isn't covered. and how many ppl knew about that? not many I'm sure...if they did..it was weeks or more after.

We also talked about how media is controlled by 3 empires. So she discussed the first amendment (freedom of speech) and how we don't really have that here in america if you think about it. Also companies like g&g (the refrigerator company) and aol....and I forget the third one..these were the ppl that control the media...because the law was passed that they could buy out...
My professor: "Lets say if one of G&G's refrigerators electecuted someone...do you think you'd hear about that on the news? "
she said...everyone wants to be in control of what is out there..and printed.
and believe it or not...we dont hear about half of the stuff going on in the world..because we are too worried about insignificant shit. and the media knows this...so ...it makes money..and it's what they give us. They give the public what they want.

eh i dunno..I can go on and on...

I know I'm going to enjoy this class. It has me seriously thinking about majoring in journalism or minoring at least. And my professor is really nice..and really successful but you can tell hard working. She is an advisor...and editor at a
woman's magazine and has been working at wpu for 8 years..she is also going for another degree at rutgers right now Oh yeah...she's a mom and a yoga instructor lol. (lets not forget that)
but yeah i feel that I can ask her...and come to her for advice..she even told us all, because a lot of the students in that class are communication majors. She already told me I should major and minor in something when I told her what I think i want to do. I can get more advice from her...so that's good.

anyway if anyone is interested in this stuff...you should definately take media writing or a course like it...if you come across it.

Other than this...everything is alright I guess. I didnt want to go back to school but now that I'm back, I know I'm there for a reason and I'm supposed to be there. Just to figure out what I want to do with my life and to learn things like I did today.

I have to buy books. There goes my paycheck :[
I can't even buy them all now..because I still owe 45
bucks to the court..down the shore for what I swear will be
my last car incident (it better be!)

work at 12:30!fun fun

Oh yeah and today is my sister Erin's birthday :]
(so I have to go get her something after work. Damn mall.)

I also want to see a few movies out... 'wicker park' if anyone wants to see it ...TELL ME.

and..I don't wanna..fall..to pieces..   
10:20am 21/06/2004
mood: worried
been standing before this mirror
forever now..
And all I see..are the things I cannot undo..
And I’ll glare at the reflection
hoping to see something that pleases me
hoping to find something I like..
something to admire
something to be proud of..
something to feel beautiful for..
cause that’s all I’ve ever wanted..
just to be..beautiful..
don’t ask me to talk about it..
I’ll never be able to
don’t lie for me..
don’t even try..for me
now it’s time..i use the facilities..
just to ring out the pain..
but oh how..i do it the wrong way..
but ..oh god..i can’t seem to find a right way..
I’m so broken..
I’m so shamed..
and all I’ve ever wanted..
was to be beautiful..
and this pain..oh how it twists..inside of me
I don’t know how much more I’ll take
before I completely break..
and this fabric on my body
feels as though it lays the wrong way..
and this graceless way I contain..
my growing longing..just to feel…worthy
just to feel…beautiful..
the grueling effort ..to feel good
to feel beautiful..
to be..beautiful..
and I'm repulsed by the image staring back at me
I guess I'm just a little too plain
I guess I'm just a little too ordinary..
and I'll try..with everything I've got left inside me
just to be ..beautiful..

hmm...that's not too great but awe well. Times when I feel I can write a book..I cannot seem to write a thing.

been busy lately..with work..and stuff..and then hanging out with friends when I can. Tomorrow..is my sister's graduation..hopefully it doesn't rain..I hate rain sometimes..it better not rain this weekend..for when we go down the shore.

I'm just passing some time right now...before I get ready for work.

I have so much going on in my head right now..SO much..
don't know why i did this   
11:01pm 13/06/2004
mood: tired
name = Melissa Lynn Haines
piercings = ears
height= 5’3ish-4
shoe size = 7- 7 1/2
hair color = brunette
siblings = 2 sisters 1 brother

movie you watched = Stepford Wives
movie you bought = hmm prob..when I split the cost of ‘Serendipity’ a couple of years ago with matt and nat ( I don’t buy movies much as u can see lol)
song you listened to = Blowers Daughter- Damien Rice
song that was stuck in your head = that one
cd you bought = umm I think Azure Ray and Placebo
cd you listened to = mixed one I made at Tiff’s
person you've called = my mom
person that's called you = my mom
tv show you've watched = umm All My Children bef work today lol

you have a crush on someone = yuck I hate that word..not..8
you wish you could live somewhere else = yeah..for I while..i’d love to
you think about suicide = I guess I have
you believe in online dating = I dunno..right now..ask me again some other time
others find you attractive = who knowss
you want more piercings = yea..my second holes!
you like cleaning = yess EVERYTHING needs to be clean around me
you like roller coasters = yup yup fun..
you write in cursive or print = both..at the same time hah

long distance relationships = some ppl can make them work..some cant…but yeah I’m for em
trusing someone = It’s hard for me..
suicide = against
killing people = against..no wait I’m for it.. ..stupid ass question..
driving drunk = AGAINST
gay/lesbian relationships = if it makes you happy

ever cried over a girl = over a friend
ever cried over a boy = yes
ever lied to someone = yeah
ever been in a fist fight = no..

shampoo do you use = pantene or the brunette stufff
shoes do you wear = whatever I have..now flip flops a lot..love em
are you scared of = everything

of times I have been in love?= don’t know that I have
of times I have had my heart broken? = many
of hearts I have broken? = probably none
of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? I dunno
of things in my past that I regret? = lots

pretty= sometimes
hot= lol..please….i’m fucking 12
friendly= I think so
amusing= I can be
ugly= sometimes I feel I am
loveable= I don’t know
caring= yea…too much..
sweet= sometimes
dorky= hah probably

5...4 letter word: cant think of one..doubt I have one
Actor/actress: Kate Hudson, Jennifer Aniston..umm Goldie Hawn....Tom Hanks
Candy: reeses
Cartoon: I don’t have one really
Cereal: fruity pebbles
Chewing gum: orbit
Color(s): pinks and purple
Color nail polish: none hah
Day of week: I don’t know ..it changes
Least fave day: it changes also
Flower: tulips..or dasies..anything..that was in my front yard that my mom’s aunt planted with me and my sisters..
Jello flavor: don’t like jello
Jewelry: I like..necklaces..and bracelets
Special skills/talents: I have a few..i don’t show em off a lot tho
Summer/Winter: summer

|| Person who last.. ||
Slept in your bed: me..
Saw you cry: no one..
Made you cry: umm ..hmm..my dad I think..
You went to the movies with: matt,nat, and tiff
Yelled at you: my dad
Sent you an email: I don’t know..prob junk..

|| Have you ever.. ||
Said "I love you" and meant it?: yea
Gone out in public in your pajamas: yeah
Kept a secret from everyone: yea
Cried during a movie: yeah
Planned your week based on the TV: lol..i remember ..there was I time I had to keep track..there were SO many shows..
Been on stage: yeah
Been to New York: yepp..i love it
Been to California: nope want to
Hawaii: nope..want to
China: nope
Canada: no
Europe: no
Asia: no
South: not really..south jersey lol
Australia: no
Wished you were another gender: just to see..how it is..and how they think..etc
What time is it now?: 10:35pm

|| This or That? ||
Apples or bananas?: bananas
Blue or red?: red
Walmart or target?: I don’t care
Spring or Fall?: fall
What are you gonna do after you finish this?: listen to music
What was the last meal you ate?: umm I don’t think I had a ‘meal’..i had pretzels hah
Are you bored?: nah..tired
Last noise you heard?: my instant message sound
Last smell you sniffed?: I don’t know

|| Friendship/Love ||
Do you believe in love at first sight?: no stupid as hell
Do you want children one day & if so, how many? Yea one or 2
Most important thing to you in a friendship is: trust ..and ppl who are caring

|| Other Info ||
Criminal record?: no..car shit
Do you speak any other language: some french
Last book you read: Hamlet (eng lit class)
Name some of your favorite things in your bedroom?: my pictures..my music..my bear that..i got in wildwood when I was younger
worst feeling in the world: feeling of helplessness and feeling alone
Who do you love: family..and a few friends

|| You ||
Nickname(s): hmm Mel (unfortunately hah), and Lissa
Initials: MLH
How old do you look?: oh god..do I have to talk about this..
how old do you act?: I think I act my age..
Glasses/Contacts: none
Braces: nopee
Do you have any pets?: yea..2 cats..a kitten..umm and a dog..and my sister has those weird other things lol
You get embarrassed: sometimes
What makes you happy?: I don’t know anymore
What upsets you?: stuff

|| Finish the sentence: ||
I Love to...
I Miss...a lot
I Wish...i didn’t wish so much
I Hope...i can find myself a lil better
I'm Annoyed by...myself
I Am...lost
I Want to be...HAPPY
I Would Never...say never (believe me..)
I'd Rather be...at peace somewhere
I Am Tired of...all this shit I feel..and things I cant control..
I Will Always be.. using the term I dunno..cause I DON’T!
I've ..never wanted anything...so bad..so bad..   
12:37am 07/06/2004
mood: worried
I'll bite the hand..that feeds the pain
I'll lay my life down for love
I lost the truth..I lost my way
but I am looking for it
oh I am looking for it now
I am looking for it
oh I am looking for myself
oh I am looking for it..
I need to find but one thing good..
under every star
in every breath of air
in everything I have
in everything I am..
the world is big..the world is bad
but I will find the beauty
I see a vision in my head
I am looking for it..
Oh I am looking for it
oh I am looking for myself..

There's dirt in my mouth
from kissing who I should not dare..
there's mud coming out..with every rip and every tear..
this thing beneath my ribs will beat me to the ground
I've got to hold out my heart..and on it let the sun shine down
my guilty skin..like gasoline..
is burning out a hole in me..
my guilty heart..lies here in ruin..in ruin
nobody knows me..no one will ever see
the distance between what is..and what will never be
a bird will break her wings
like a heart will cut her strings
and there isn't anything..to comfort...me..

Living under june..living under her
living under june..living under her
I've got a black and white television
I've got an indigo gas oven
I've got holes in my head
holes in my head
I've got filthy..rotten..wall to wall
I've got a couch made out of courduroy
my cat's dying..words flying...leaking from
the shower stall..
and that's not all..

I've got money in my pocket
I like the color of my hair
I've got a friend who loves me
got a house..I've got a car
I've got a good mother..
and her voice is what keeps me here

feet on ground
heart in hand
facing foward
be yourself
I've, I've never wanted anything
no I've, no I've,I've never wanted anything
so bad...so bad

cardboard masks of all the people I've been
thrown out with all the rusted, tangled,
dented god damned miseries
you could say I'm hard to hold
but if you knew me you'd know..

I've got..a good father
and his strength is what makes me cry

feet on ground
heart in hand
facing foward
be yourself
I've, I've never wanted anything
No I've, no I've, I've never wanted anything..so bad so bad..

(love these songs..Jann Arden is so great..and she writes her own music..and I love it.)
bored...passing time...   
03:08pm 27/04/2004
mood: confused
I should post in here heh..I havent really, Only to talk about AI and stuff..

I'm waiting to go to class...
today there was this thing called "spring music fest" at my school(it's all week)..and this girl from my class and her friend and I went to it. It was like this big barbeque..free food hah..and..like ppl out on the lawn in the field and stuff..while bands played. It was cool. It's nice out :]

alrighty i'm gonna go...class time. We're watching American Beauty in my eng lit class..which is good..i wanted to see that.

I'll update later..

"Life isn't a crystal-clear picture running on a silver screen, with a hero and a happy ending. "   
10:57pm 18/04/2004
mood: contemplative
Hello everyone. If I recall correctly my last update was based on Jon Peter Lewis leaving American Idol. Yes, I was extremely upset over this. I do believe it was unfair, but I guess not everything is 'fair' especially things like 'American Idol.' awe well. My favorite as of now is probably Jennifer or Jasmine. Although I do love Latoya. She's so elegant and graceful. She is not showy or obnoxious like Fantasia. (no offense to the die hard Fantasia fans)lol.. but yeah that's that.

School is going to be ending soon. I have about 3 weeks left of classes. I am looking foward to ending this semester. I do not know what is going on with my scholarship, but most likely I will not have it for next semester, because I have a feeling I will be getting a C in at least one of my classes, if not two of them. I need to get everything done, that is FASFA and find out how much I'll still need to cover school, then look into loans. I have to take out loans. No matter what it takes, I will have a college education, that is all that matters at this point.

Friday I registered for classes for the fall semester. I will be taking Media Writing, Intro to Politics, French 2, Mass Communication, and Racism/Sexism in the U.S. Sounds good to me. I'll only have Mondays off this time but that's cool. I need to start acquiring more credits anyway. I hope next semester is better than the last, that's all I have to say. and word to the wise, Psychology is not what you think lol. It's horrible. I'll certainly miss my music appreciation class also. I mean I've never been in a class where half of the students are sleeping/snoring. (and I mean literally). but yeah that's the low down on school.

Friday me, Ren, and Matt hung out and talked for most of the night...with a brief game of 'name that tune.' We talked about a lot of stuff.. it was cool. I like talking (ren and matt SHUT YOUR MOUTH). Saturday..did not do much. I cleaned my room..and cleaned my desk. I went through everything in it, threw some things out, kept most (because I have to keep everything..it's horrible lol) Later I just relaxed. John texed me..and it was nice.. and yeah..that was my night.
It's been beautiful out lately. I really hope that it stays this way. I need to go get summer clothes :/

I'm tired of being scared, and not taking chances. (tiff i understand what you were saying in your last entry) I don't want to get my hopes up about anything.. I've done it before and I have gotten let down quite a bit. I've always been cautious and stuff but maybe I have been a little too much? I dunno. I mean I've been hopeful yet..not so optimistic many times. I think I think too much lol. shut me up now.

hmm I start work tomorrow..yay. heh..
and then I have a test at Outback (where Tiff works now!) That'd be so great if I got a job there too. We'll see hehe.

anyway..that's all really..
here is something to end my entry with:

"Evelyn: ... this isn't supposed to happen, why did this happen?

Mrs. Keller: I don't know, Evelyn. There is no explanation I can give you, although I wish there was. Life isn't a crystal-clear picture running on a silver screen, with a hero and a happy ending. And this world, unfortunately, is not a perfect place. Innocent people die, people suffer, and mostly, they hurt. But it's beautiful, and miracles happen around us everyday, and you'll see them. And everyday, you'll learn how to breathe... it will become a little bit easier, everyday. I promise."

Isn't that nice? It is part of Tiff's play. It's wonderful. hehe

well I'm gonna go now..
be bac soon ..but later than sooner..as oppose to sooner than later. lol. ok i'll go.
bye all.
     Read 5 - Post
My prophecy/revelation...that...ai...has turned to ...gar-bage(well at least for now)   
12:54am 16/04/2004
mood: heavyhearted...
I would like to take the time out to reflect upon tonight's surprising turn of events on American Idol. Yes you all saw, John Peter was voted out tonight. I am deeply saddened..and absolutely pissed off over this. John Stevens..who is neither entertaining(not in the least bit) nor greatly talented in the vocal department got saved over JPL. SURE He can sing..yeah..but it borders on average and not so good, even if his voice is "unique" and or different..that does not mean that his vocals are great/ good enough. He is not impressive at all and his inability to capture life and some kind of light in his performances..is just nauseating .John Stevens should have been the one to go last night..if it was,as it was,down to Jon Peter and him. Even from watching last week's episode and the previous one..John Stevens did horrible. Even George Huff should have went before Jon Peter,George Huff..who cannot sing without it sounding like somone scratching on a wall..his voice is oh so very irritating. although I think Fantasia is irritating also..but I won't even go there lol. I do not want a mass of wild beasts coming at me.
I'm more pissed off because Jon Peter did fantastic last night..it was soo great. I loved it. He is entertaining and he DOES have talent..I think he has a great voice. Even if he was the ugliest thing on earth I'd still love him...and have the same opinion..so don't even go there..
I know eventually he was going to go..but tonight..it was just wayy too soon, especially since others should/deserved to go before him. Even Diana..has not been too great lately..
I know I am being hard on John Stevens...but I do not really understand the big deal..there is none really..
This is not over...I'm not done discussing this ..complaining about it ...or whatever..
I'm just tired..and just got done writing my music paper. I have a long day tomorrow...but this is not the end..You will all hear more about this..when I have more energy.

     Read 6 - Post
a servey...let me try this...   
01:15am 15/04/2004
mood: contemplative
Your full name:: Melissa Lynn Haines
Age:: 19
Height:: 5'4ish
Natural hair colour:: brilliant brunette (copied the shampoo bottle)lol
Eye colour:: they are brown.
Number of siblings:: 3
Glasses/contacts?:: none
Piercings:: ears..had cartlidge too..but it closed upp
Tattoos:: none..but I want one!
Braces?:: noo
Colour:: PINK!
Band:: hmm lots..one of them..is switchfoot
Song:: lol I'll name ONE of my faves.. (but keep in mind this is one taken out of like a million lol) i'll name the current fave : The no seatbelt song- brand new
Stuffed animal:: many..many. there's harry..my tys..and pinky..(who misses home..cause animal face kidnapped her)
Video game:: i dont have a fave..but i guess i liked sonic..and mario racecar..and crazy taxi..
TV show:: dawsons creek will always be the best. right now...One tree hill..and all my reality television shows.
Movie:: i dunno.. i like Forest Gump ;]
Book:: dunno..
Food:: potatoes all the way!
Game on a cell phone:: hexa i guess..
CD cover:: The new Ani Difranco cover/book is BEAUTIFUL
Scent:: sweet pea..or vanilla
animal:: pandas!
Comic book:: i dont read comic books but actually just read the leauge of extraordinary gentlemen..it was ok
Cereal:: fruit loops!
Website:: i dunno
Cartoon:: umm none really
Play an instrument?:: i fool around with my guitar..dunno how to play music on it..and I wanna learn REAL BADLY how to play the piano..
Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?:: yeah right..
Like to sing?:: yep
Have a job?:: yep
Have a cell phone?:: yes
Like to play sports?:: Depends. not competively.. I like volleyball..and basketball..and tennis..and badmitton..and yeah..sometimes softball/baseball can be fun
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:: nope
Have a crush on someone?:: i dunno what it is..I don't think a crush lol (not in 3rd grade)
Live somewhere NOT in the united states?:: nope..Lodi..my whole life..hah
Have more than 5 TVs in your house?:: umm no actually
Have any special talents/skills?:: umm ..writing..and i enjoy singing (ive been told i'm good) but i wont say i am lol. and I'm creative i think...and i'm good at some art stuff
Excercise daily?:: used to. started recently again
Like school?:: eh..it's not bad. College is cool.
Sing the alphabet backwards?:: most likely lol
Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?:: yeah
Speak any other languages?:: i can speak some french
Go a day without food?:: yeah
Stay up for more than 24 hours?:: yess
Read music, not just tabs?:: learned some stuff in choir..and i'm learning in music appreciation class!
Roll your tongue?:: yes. and i can make it into a bowl too lol..dont ask
Eat a whole pizza?:: eh dont think so
Snuck out of the house?:: yeah
Cried to get out of trouble?:: nah i dont think so
Gotten lost in your city?:: lol noo
Seen a shooting star?:: I wish. but saw how the stars really look away from the lights..last weekend at ren's aunt's house..they were very beautiful.
been to any other countries besides the united states?:: nope
Had a serious surgery?:: no
Stolen something important to someone else?:: no..i'm not cruel..like some ppl
Solved a rubiks cube?:: no
Gone out in public in your pajamas?:: yea..the day after new years eve hah (ren and nat!) that was it tho lol.
Cried over a girl?:: a friendship ..yeah
Cried over a boy?:: yes
Kissed a random stranger?::no dont think so. but i've been kissed by one or two i think.
Hugged a random stranger?:: no..not that i know of
Been arrested?:: nope
Done drugs?:: yeah
Had alcohol?:: yes
Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?:: eww milk
Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?:: lol i'm not crazy.
Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?:: no..maybe a delayed opening tho..that's it
Swore at your parents?:: yeah..
Been to warped tour?:: haha noo
Kicked a guy where it hurts?:: maybe my brother..i dunno
Been in love?:: i don't think so
Been close to love?:: maybe...i dunno
Been to a casino?:: no
Ran over an animal and killed it?:: omg no
Broken a bone?:: I think i broke my ankle when i was younger..but i never got it taken care of..cause my mom didnt think anything was wrong..even tho i heard it crack..and i couldnt walk for weeks..
Gotten stitches?:: yepp
Had a waterballoon fight in winter?:: i dunno
Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?:: nastttyyy
Made homemade muffins?:: no i dont think so.
Bitten someone?:: yeahh
Been to disneyland/disneyworld?::nope
More than 5 times?:: no
Been to niagra falls?:: no
Burped in someones face?:: gross
Gotten the chicken pox?:: yeah
Brushed your teeth:: like..an hr ago
Went to the bathroom:: like an hr ago
Saw a movie in theaters:: umm..it was either big fish with matt...or..along came polly with natalia.. i dunno which was last
Read a book:: umm reading Hamlet..now
Had a snow day:: in hs
Had a party:: umm everyday is a party here..
had a slumber party:: umm..idk natalia sleeps over on the weekends a lot. but last time i had more than one person..i think maybe..the fourth of july?? or new years??
Made fun of someone:: umm idk. today i guess.
Tripped in front of someone:: lol idk
Went to the grocery store:: umm food basics with Ren..where she got nasty shrimp..then proceeded to spill it all over my bed
Got sick:: umm i dunno really..last month?
Cursed:: yesterday morning lol..when my mom wouldnt let me use her umbrella...for school..
Fruit/vegetables:: fruit
Black/white:: black
Lights on/lights off:: off
TV/movie:: i dunno
Car/truck:: I like driving...higher vehicles better..guess cause i'm used to it
Body spray/lotion:: idk i like both
Cash/check:: cash
Pillows/blankets::pillows all the way!
Headache/stomach ache:: headache
Paint/charcoal:: paint
Chinese food/mexican food:: chinese
Summer/winter:: summer
Snow/rain:: rain
Fog/misty:: i dunno
Rock/rap:: rock
Meat/vegetarian:: i'm not a vegetarian but not a huge meat fan eaither hah
Boy/girl:: boy
Chocolate/vanilla:: vanilla
Sprinkles/icing:: icing
Cake/pie:: cake
French toast/french fries:: french fries
Strawberries/blueberries:: strawberries
Ocean/swimming pool:: ocean!
Hugs/kisses:: i dunno.
Cookies/muffins:: cookies
p33n/bewbz:: ...
Wallet/pocket:: wallet
Window/door:: window
Emo/goth::'emo' yea that TYPE.
Pink/purple:: pink is beautiful hah
Cat/dog:: i guess both..but i love cats
Long sleeve/short sleeve:: i dunno it depends
Pants/shorts:: pants
Winter break/spring break:: spring break
Spring/autumn:: spring but i do love autumn..that's hard..
Clouds/clear sky:: clear sky
Moon/mars:: moon
How many friends do you have?:: many..but like..maybe 6 or 7 close friends
What are their names?:: lol..i'm not naming names
Do you have a best friend?:: i have a few.
Have you ever liked one of your friends?:: yeah..i have to be friends bef. i start to like a person usually anyway.. (well in most cases)
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?::umm..I think..girl..
Have you ever lost a friend?:: yepp
Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?:: yes
Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?:: i have lots.. 'get out of the circle!!' lol..renee..
Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?::yeah i guess
Whats the nicest thing youve ever done for a friend?:: i dunno what the 'nicest' thing was.
Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?:: i dunno...
Do you miss any of your old friends?:: yah..i do..
What friend have you known the longest?::matt
Do you regret anything youve done to a friend?:: i dunno. i regret lots of things..lots..
If so, what is it?:: i regret...pushing people out of my life i guess
How often do you spend time with your friends?:: lots
Do any of your friends drive?:: yah
Has a friend of yours ever died?:: umm..no i dont think so
Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?:: lol..cant name just one
What do you think your friends think of you?:: lol who knows.
Have you ever been in love?:: dunno..
If you have, with who?:: dunno
Are you single?:: yep
Are you in a relationship?:: nope
If so, for how long?::
Do you believe there is someone for everyone?:: i dont know really
what is your idea of the best date?:: hmm..sitting out on the beach at night with that person..and looking up at the stars..and yeah..all that stuff...
What was your first kiss like?:: assuming i had one...
How old were you when you got your first kiss?:: lol o boy
Do you think love is a load of shit?:: I dunno what love is
Whats the best experiance youve ever had with the opposite sex?:: i dunno
If you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?:: nope no 'bfs'
Have you ever dumped someone?:: nope
Whats the most sexual thing youve done with the opposite sex?:: lol.
Slippers:: feet
Hat:: head
Hard:: table
Free:: air
Space:: bar
Taste:: good
Good charlotte:: seasons
Red:: cherry
Deep:: wound
Heart:: broken
Cord:: song
Cheese:: wiz
Rain:: blue
Work:: uck
Head:: hard
Bed:: comfort
Fluff:: woo
Hardcore::what the hell
Race:: run
Knife: sharp
Jump:: high
I.... am beautiful
am:: great
want:: something
need:: ....it..
crave:: umm
love:: family
hate:: lots of things
did:: hang out with ren and tiff
miss:: ppl
am annoyed by:: my sister's loud music
would rather:: be...in wildwood
am tired of:: school
will always:: want more..
What is your favourite genre of music?:: eh i dunno... i like everything but rap really
What time is it now?:: 12:53 am
What day is it?:: thursday
Whens the last time you called someone?:: i think...renee..or my sister
How much money do you have right now?:: 4 bucks..and something cents lol
Are you hungry?:: not really
Whatcha doin?:: this
Do you like parades?:: yeah
Do you like the moon?:: love it
What are you going to do when youre done with this?:: i dunno yet
Isnt cup a funny word when you repeat it over and over?:: isnt every word?
If you could have any magical power what would it be?::see what ppl are thinking...i guess..and like..just make things go my way lol
Have you ever had a picnic?:: yepp
Did you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?:: no
What about sock em boppers?:: ugh my brother did...
Are you wearing any socks right now?:: nope...i dont wear em when i dont have to.
funny?:: i think i can be
pretty?:: eh..i'm not horrible..but i'm not gorgeous lol
sarcastic?:: yeah i am hah
lazy?:: yeah sometimes
hyper?:: sometimes
friendly?:: yep
evil?:: lol no i dont think so
smart?:: with some things
strong?:: lol physically?? not at all..but other than that..i think i am.
talented?:: yea..
dorky?:: i guess
high:: i wont say lol
skip:: lol..i have not a clue
dance:: hmm lol..all those 8th grade crushes
lonely:: my mom.....
pen:: jon peter (my baby)
window:: me
psycho:: hmm it's a toss up between renee and matt
brain freeze:: lol wtf..
orange:: my sister(e)
sassy:: my sister(e)
jelly:: lol i wont put who i think of for this...
suicide:: against of course..
love::i guess for..
drunk drivers:: against
airplanes:: for??
war:: against!
canada:: i guess for.
united states:: i'm for
rock music:: for
gay marriage:: i dunno..i dont really care i guess..but the meaning of marriage is: the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.
school:: for
surveys:: eh i dont like em much lol...i dunno why i'm doing this even..trying something new..
parents:: for of course
cars:: for
killing:: against
britney spears:: i like a few of her new songs lol...
coffee::it's ok
pants:: for
Sky dive?:: yea sure
Play strip poker?:: i guess..idk it depends hah
Run away?:: umm not now i dont think so..i'm not 10.
Curse at a teacher?:: i keep forgetting this is 'would you ever'..instead of 'have u ever'..but idk..it depends...
Not take a shower for a week?:: yuck no
Ask someone out?:: i dunno..i think the guys should lol
Lie to someone to make them think better of you?:: no
Visit a foreign country for more than a month?:: yea i would
Go scuba diving?:: yeah that'd be cool
Write a book?:: thatd be even cooler hehe
Become a rockstar?:: lol why not
Have casual sex?:: i dont think so
What shampoo do you use?:: pantene pro-v or...brilliant brunette by john frieda
Whens the last time you did something sexual with the opposite sex?::*sigh* now i know why i dont do these hah
What kind of computer do you have?:: umm ren's old one
What grade are you in?:: umm freshman in college...second semester
Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?:: lol no..ppl are crazy in theatres they dont need to be egged on..
Or just make out?:: hah
How many posters do you have in your room?:: i dont have posters. but i do have lots of pictures...and paintings/art and stuff..
How many cds do you have?:: lotss I cant live without music
What time is it now?:: 1:14 am
     Read 2 - Post
Makes me want to stay inside and ...wait..   
01:02pm 04/04/2004
mood: okay
Hey all..

Today is my brother's 14nth birthday..lol..hmm lets see if he's grown up a year. HOPEFULLY!
yeah but later I'm going to my aunt's for his birthday party.

Friday..hung out with Matt..and later Matt and Ren. We watched AI and stuff..was fun as always. Then Saturday Ren came over for a lil while, we ate and watched tv..the usual hah. Saturday night I did nothing really. Was going to go to the play but I sat home and relaxed instead. I haven't been home doing nothing on a saturday night in a while. but it was good. I talked to Tiff online and stuff..and had good conversation as always.

Tomorrow is court :[ I am not looking forward to it. But I'm just gonna go in there..and tell them what happened..that's all. I just want to get it over with. Can't wait till it's over. and my mom is coming with me..so that will be good..better than going by myself..like i was going to originally.

Then the rest of the week..will be BUSY. I have..a psychology exam Tuesday..so I'll have to cram on Monday night..and then..I have a term paper due for Eng Lit on Thursday..haha so i'm gonna have to do what I can with that..on Wednesday. Me and my procrastinating...it's horrible as horrible can get hah.
I forgot that right after class on Thursday we're leaving for Ren's aunt's house. I'm looking foward to that..it should be fun. Hopefully a good end to a stressful week. Then...we're coming back Saturday night sometime..and Sunday Easter at my aunt's house.

I have a feeling that this month is going to go fast..and this is my last full month of school. That's great hah. I cannot wait for MAY 11NTH!
Hopefully..I'm doing better in my classes :/ I dunno how that is going to turn out.

but yeah...I'm gonna go get ready..for my brother's thing.

later all.
'life is absurd.'   
08:40pm 01/04/2004
mood: hopeful
The run fun down of what's been going on..


Last week

The Play
Last week I went to both Friday night's show and Saturday night's. Friday night's show was great. Allison was outstanding as were..a few others that night. I loved Jen and Mike ..they did a nice job. And Tom did also.
Saturday it was also good. I enjoyed Friday night's better but overall Saturday was good. I really enjoyed Liz's performance..that night.
Yeah so..the play was great. And of course Ren was excellent. hah.

hmm then after the play..I drove David to the bus stop..and me, Tiff, Nat, and Ren hung out for a bit. Natalia slept over.
Saturday..me and Natalia went out for a while..but she got a phone call that her grandfather passed away. I'm so sorry Natalia for your..loss. I wish I could say something to make it better..but I know I can't. But I'm here..always..and I love you.
but yeah I was upset to see her..sad and all..and Everim came over and hung out with us for a while..before Natalia left.
Then Everim was going to the play so I figured I'd go with her..and that was cool.

This week

hmm This week has gone by pretty fast..
things that have happened..

-Hung out with Tiff and applied to The Outback on Monday. Then we hung out with Ren for a lil while. fun fun.

longgg day of classes..uck. Psychology..SUCKS. ugh i hate it. soo boring. I did my paper for that class soo last minute it was ridiculous. I was like a couple of mins late..because I was intent on getting it done..and not handing it in late hah.

Hung out with Ren and Tiff. I made Ren a meal..poor girl. hah you can come over anytime and have a meal renee..anytime! but yeah.. Ren MADE us watch this lifetime movie called 'cherrie' i think it was spelt that way..not sure. lol well talk about 'quality.' hah. It was one of the worst movie writings i've ever seen in my life..ever..
Then..we hung out some more..and ..talked..which was great hah.
what else..after..i got back home from dropping em home. my dad and mom told me that our younger cat Ben died..that they found him dead under my bed. I couldnt believe it. I thought my dad was fooling or something..it just doesnt make sense. I saw him go underneath my bed earlier..that day. and he always goes under there. and we never saw any sign that he was sick. It's sad..we were all pretty sad. I felt bad..he was mainly a good cat. He was young too..not even 2 yrs old yet..
It's soo weird..we dunno what happened. but we feel bad..and all. and plus he was not..payed as much attention all the time as knickey or charlie (our other cats) are. ugh. what can you do. I know lots of ppl would be like 'well it's just a cat..it's just a pet..get over it' but really..as weird as this sounds and as stupid as one may believe this to be..they become part of the family..animals or not.
but yeah..

and today..nothing happened really. Just an interesting class of english lit..which I wrote about lol.

and Tomorrow..a music test that I'm not looking foward to. That class is so hard.. *sigh* I'll try to study..

hmm that's it..I'm so afraid as to write or say anything or even think hah..in the fear that i'll just jinx it. ughh I think TOO MUCH!

anyway...i'm gonna go..this is wayy to long. sorry guys. later
"Life has meaning when you define it yourself"   
08:27pm 01/04/2004
mood: contemplative
Today in English Lit class we learned about Existentialism. It was a pretty interesting lesson today ..if I do say so myself. We learned about aesthetics. My professor..is so intellectual it's scary hah. He knows his stuff..it's pretty cool. We discussed morality and ethics. I bet no one knows what an 'ubermensch' is..lol.. well it's the thought that one can become a super man. One that also defines his own morality and decides what is right/ wrong...and one who is agressive..physically, sexaully, etc.. and an ubermensch would be considered the 'master race.' The philosophy behind it is called 'master morality.' and the opposite of master morality would be 'slave morality.' Another famous writer, Martin Heidegger, said: "Mankind is the only creature that exists that are actually unaware of their existence." Meaning..we find it hard to 'define oneself' 'Sorge' is another word we learned..meaning an awareness of the self and a concern for the self. This is the part that I really became interested I guess..cause I tend to think about this kind of stuff a lot. 'The Desire to be' is a concept called Sein Zum tode. My teacher also said another famous saying..by Martin Heidegger.."Humans have a desire to be and a being towards death.." He went on saying how in this process..of finding and figuring out who we are..as individuals..we are not defining ourselves..other people are for us. Meaning how..we tend to be like our friends or people we hang around..and family and stuff. Idk if i agreed totally with what my professor was saying..he was saying how..we are not individuals if we incorporate a lot of qualities our friends or family have. I mean how can we figure out who we are..if we cannot test out what we like ..i mean for example just because my father liked say the beatles and he listened to all rock music..I cannot like rock music, cause that is not being my own person? I do not think that is true really ..not at all. But yeah anyway.. i do agree that we become what others make us out to be. I mean it isnt ALWAYS the case...but it does happen a lot. This is called 'stimmungen.' My professor said "Life has meaning when you define it yourself."- I kind of like that. Then we were talking about being average..and how many people settle for that..cause they avoid the struggle to become something more. Then I was just thinking to myself..while he was talking.. and in my head I was saying to myself..'well how is one supposed to figure out who they are..?' and then right after I was thinking this, my professor says: "Are we really supposed to know? and is it really possible to figure out?" and then he says: "No." and that is what Heidegger called 'no exit.' hah..then my professor...went on with all his knowledge lol. He brought up a writer called Albert Camus, who said - "Life is absurd" lol..
and many times..he would ask.."what is our purpose?" My professor told us about a story called 'Sisyphus' where "a man tried to push a huge boulder over this hill...and just as he got it to the top..it fell right back down again. If he could just push it over the hill..he'd be free..but he'll never be free.." And my professor goes "should he give up?" and then he said "no, the meaning of life comes from the struggle." - that kind of makes sense to me somehow. Idk a lot of this prob is mind boggling...and is hard to comprehend..and it makes you think a whole lot. hah..and a lot of people do not like to think so much.. but i'm the kind of person...that will tear everything apart..to figure things out...Idk..i just go beneath the surface of everything..who knows if it's good or bad.A lot of the times..it's bad and I drive myself crazy lol.. And many of the times I find no answers. This is..something I've realized..that the things we try to find answers to are usually the things that have no answers.
Idk but yeah hope you enjoyed my English Lit lesson lol...I just found it all pretty intriguing and interesting and such. My professor makes me want to just learn more..and be as insightful and knowledgable as he is..hah and he is extreme lol. But he's very cool. He believes in being your own person...and not just sitting back.."that's not what life is about" he says .."that's not living."
hah he's certainly not 'average.'

but yeah anyway
I'll make a real update. hah..now. If you can stand to read more of my idiodic journal.
05:06pm 23/03/2004
mood: crappy

I'm in school...my computer at home all of the sudden kicked me off line last night
..and then when I tried to get back on..it kept saying 'remote server error'..and this morning it did too. So idk when it will decide to work..

Last night was not too good. lately nothing has been too good.
I'm not going to go more into it in here ..because of certain factors.. if ya wanna know just ask me.

and..I cant wait till this semester is over..I just wanna be done.. that's another thing to worry about..and stuff..with my scholarship..etc.

and Friday is the play..and I'm going with nat,matt,tiff,david,and I think Laura is joining us..oh yeah and youthser and his friend ..so that should be fun..hopefully get me in a better mood.. hopefully this weekend will be good. nat is staying over again..and maybe we will see that movie we wanted to see too.

I'm just so scared and worried about everything..and I wish that it didnt happen..but that is not going to get me anywhere..

but yeah..hopefully everything works out..hopefully.

well g2g to class...
I don't know what to believe in..   
12:54pm 21/03/2004
mood: sad
You'll never see the courage i know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, i see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; i see from greater heights
I understand what i am still too proud to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, but you don't understand
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

You'll never touch - these things that i hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than i've ever shown - to you

You'll say, don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

You'll never live the life that i live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message i give
You'll say it looks as though i might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, i see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, i see from greater heights
I realize what i am now too smart to mention - to you

You'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say i'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who i am

You'll say i need appeasing when i start to cry
But never is a promise and i'll never need a lie
The low down!   
06:14pm 19/03/2004
mood: amused
here's the rundown of what happened yesterday

i dunno if i should even be writing this..or that i have to explain things to anyone. but i'm hearing a lot of exaggerated stories, and assumptions etc..
me and tiff..went to pick up ren. we backed up...me not seeing the car..on the side..backed up into it. i saw jackie and muska..so i guess i was also distracted with that..cause i was looking at em. but yea it's my fault and stuff i know that.
umm then we saw the beige station wagon..to our side so i thought i hit that car. we looked..for a while and looked for damage but there was none. we were actually there for a lil while after that too..waiting for ren. I'm surprised..or idk why no one came up to me...and said that there was damage..on the car behind it and if i was going to call the cops. cause i know there were witnessess, obviously.
but yea...we didnt see damage on the wagon (the car i thought i hit).
and we eventually left.
getting home later that night...had to go to the police station,..cause they called etc. I told him yea i did hit a car but there was no damaged..that we checked. and he was like 'yea there was' and i was like on the beige station wagon? cause i wanted to make sure that i was not getting..in trouble for something i didnt do. and he goes no a blue..cherokee jeep. and he explained to me how it was behind the beige station wagon. so yea i really hit the jeep and there was damage. had i known this i would not have left the 'scene'
then he told me how the person took down..my plate number and the person knew me. so i knew who it was..and i dont hold anything against him/her. I understand that he did what he felt was right.
i just dont understand why..it's a big deal..and being talked bout soo much. i mean everyone gets into accidents...everyone makes mistakes..unless everyone is perfect? but last time i checked everyone was not.
The officer was really really nice..and understanding. he made me feel better and let me know that i was not a bad person ..and these things happen to everyone. he was a really nice guy. he just told me whenever..i hit something call the cops no matter what..damage or no damage. I got two tickets one for leaving the accident and one for not reporting it. i may be able to get one dropped he said..by going to court. but yea...my dad's insurance will prob double..and i have to pay the tickets and stuff. but hey...these things happen..and i'll deal with it as i do everything else. It isnt anyone else's prob but my own.
but yea...i just wanted to clear this up..for the ppl who were hearing diff things etc..
and me and my father passed the car i actually did hit..and there was a pretty good dent in the right front of the car..but it was not 'totalled'

"People talk .shut up. bye"
When the day is blue I sit here ..wondering about you..   
10:20am 19/03/2004
mood: indescribable
I'm at home..my father did not let me go to work..
later on last night and this morning have been not so good ..not soo good at all ..so far.
hopefully Natalia is coming over later..and spending the weekend, and I'll see everyone between tomorrow and today. Tomorrow shall be fun..Tiff's b-day celebration.

Lately Idk what i'm doing or what will happen with things...I'm just going to take everything as it comes..and not overthink things or worry and stuff. that's what i've been doing with mostly everything lately. It's just better this way.
Yeah i've been in a pretty good mood...too bad yesterday and today had to bring me down..cause i was looking foward to this weekend..still am tho..

Thanks for the cd Tiff! I'm listening to it right now :]
I love 'Fade into you' by Mazzy Star...and now #14 Nina Gordon "tonight and the rest of my life," is playing i love this song too. the whole cd is fantastic.

anyway...I'll be going now. And try to figure out what will be going on tonight/today.

AI...and lately..   
09:54pm 17/03/2004
mood: tired
Did anyone see...that crazy stalker that named her journal after my love (jon peter) ?

ANYWAY. another great night of Idol!

Jen should not have been in the bottom 3, but the other 2..were where they should have been and camille should have joined em.
and it's a good thing that leah is gone. She just was not good enough..plain and simple. I have nothing else against her..but compared to the others..she couldnt compete.

but yea..

The past couple of days have been good. Natalia (my love's stalker) slept over last night..
and then today..we hung out for a bit more till I had to go to work.
Work has been good. The kids are cuties. Their names are: Alessio,Peppe, and Luca.<----(4yrs old-triplets) and then they have a brother named Cosmo (6yrs old).
Peppe is by far my fave. Today..he crawled up on me and layed on me..and we watched tv together..it was the cutest thing..
and then when i was leaving he was like..'stay the whole day' 'i like you' i was like awww..
adorable. and Luca is cute and all..he just complains if he does not get his way..but he is alright.
and the other kid..alessio..i have not babysat yet..cause she always takes him with her so far..
and cosmo the oldest..I've been with him for a lil bit when he gets out of school..he's a good kid.
but yea the job is pretty good so far..
this weekend is Tiff's b-day celebration yo. and it will be a blast. we will be going to the cheescake factory to have dinner..and then bowling..then whomever wants to come back here..shall.and natalia..is spending the weekend more fun with her hehe

oh and This past weekend was great! thanks guys nyc..was great. I LOVE it there. I would love to live there for a couple of years..and have a career there maybe...that'd be cool.

but yea..and sunday Matt..put together ren's old computer for me!
and made me a cd of all my music on my old computer.. now i can listen to my music and the music ren had on here.
thanks matt!!! and Ren! :]

well I'm gonna get going..bef this gets longer..
Jon Peter Lewis= the bestest on the earth. (and he's mine )   
10:54am 17/03/2004
mood: pleased
Do you see this GREAT icon of this beautiful human being?!

OMG I'm in love.

And Renee and Natalia can DREAM ON cause he's mine!!

American Idol was terrific last night.
Almost everyone was great.

Leah should be out...she's out of her leauge..
and umm who else..
umm Fantasia has the most annoying voice..it goes right through me.
and the judges kept comparing latoya and fantasia to like everyone...that's ridic.
Randy tried to compare her to John Stevens. That's so dumb...they are totally different and cannot be compared in my opinion, you're talking about two totally different voices..two totally diff styles

I love
Jon Peter and Jasmine are my faves if I had to pick 2.

Umm..Amy is great and all..but I also think she should be gone soon..cause everyone else but Leah and maybe Matt are better than her. but still I think Fantasia's voice is annoying as hell.

and umm Diana..surprised me she was also pretty good.

Yeah last night's AI was really good.
Makes this season more exciting..
It's gonna be hard..to have faves...except to have Jon Peter as a fave. hah

(Natalia said to write that she 'helped me with all the names cause i cannot remember') she is just jealous..cause she cannot have Jon Peter Lewis.

PLUS I know all the names now. THE END.

Oh yeah one more thing...Natalia MADE me watch "Pimp my Ride" last night.
Enough said. ridic.
cant wait to dump her somewhere when I have to go to work at 1. (lol. jk. I love Natalia..heh)

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